Today I pleaded for some encouragement from friends on Facebook because I was at what felt like my wits end with sleep. That is, Emmitt's resistence to sleep. We have been on a schedule for nap time and up until fairly recently he would go to sleep without a huge fuss. However, putting him to sleep has always required quite a bit of holding, rocking, walking, singing, shushing, etc. on my part. The process has been to go through the routine until he falls asleep and then to gently place him in the crib. Recently, after some loooong attempts, he seems to finally be asleep but as soon as i lay him down, his eyes burst open and he thinks it's playtime. I have been amazed (and annoyed) at how one can go from what appears to be a sound sleep to literally leaping up and jumping in the crib. I've been reading a few books in a desperate search to find an answer to this sleep problem we've been having (because putting him to bed at night is no picnic either) and one book suggests laying the baby down while he is awake but groggy. HA HA HA! The author clearly doesn't know Emmitt.
So my plea for help was from parents who are anti the cry-it-out approach because I simply cannot do that but in one of my friends responses, i was reminded why I have taken a stance against that particular way to a good night's sleep and in a minute i will explain why. First of all, i know many fantastic parents who have resorted to letting their children cry-it-out so don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming that you can't be both a good parent and someone that believes in that method but it simply isn't the way for our family...
We (the collective "we" - take that to mean whatever you want) have become obsessed with wanting to "teach" our children how to comfort themselves. One book that I'm reading even said that children don't know how to go to sleep on their own and that it is a learned skill that we need to help them learn - just like anything else they learn. Finally, one book says that when your baby is crying in their crib "every bone in your body is telling you to just get her, hold her, soothe her...Your natural inclination is just to soothe her. And yet, you've been doing that for weeks, months, or years- and that hasn't helped her sleep." Wow. Just wow. After reading that, I swiftly closed that book. A book that tells me to ignore my most maternal instinct doesn't have a place in my bookshelf. Among other things, one question that came to mind after reading that statement was, who would I really be "helping" if I let Emmitt cry himself to sleep? Would I really be helping him and how? Or would I be helping myself? Also, in order to be okay with listening to his cries, I would have to repeatedly tell myself "he's okay, he's okay" and that would be a lie because really he would be trying to tell me in the only way he knows how that he needs me. At the most basic level, leaving him to cry isn't even following the golden rule!
I will admit that there are times that I want to sit on the floor and have a good cry myself because nothing seems to be working but no one said being a parent was going to be easy. Here's the thing; I'm an adult but does that mean that I never want anyone to comfort me when i cry? Absolutely not. As my friend pointed out, if i were crying in one room and my husband heard me in a neighboring room but rather than coming to comfort me thought to himself, "well, she's a grown woman, she can comfort herself" would that be the kind thing to do? Is that the kind of man that i want to be married to; the kind of family I want to be a part of? No, not really. So why then would i let my child, a person who needs me at every other time of the day - for feeding, changing, etc - cry until he gives up? First of all, i fear that the real lesson i would be teaching him is just that- to give up. Secondly, I just don't feel I could look Emmitt in the face when he's old enough to actually understand me and tell him that I will be here for him no matter what with the knowledge that when he wasn't even old enough to talk I went ahead and left him comfortless just because it was convenient for me and because I just couldn't handle the crying. On the contrary, I think the times when we most need each other are the hardest and if I'm completely honest with myself, I know that leaving him to cry would in no way be for his benefit but really just a way for me to get out of the hard work that I've grown weary of.
So after talking with my friend on the phone yesterday I am glad to report that I am refreshed and I now remember why I refuse to let my child cry all alone. If he's going to cry, I am at least going to be holding him to let him know that his emotions aren't too strong or hard for me to handle - I'll be with him in the best of times and in the worst of times. If I thought that sleeping through the night was the most important lesson for him to learn right now, perhaps I would resort to letting him cry but let's face it, the child is eventually to sleep through the night and I don't believe that letting him cry just to speed that process along is necessary. One day if Emmitt reads this blog I'll want him to know that when he cried the hardest is when I held him the tightest and that, if nothing else, will help me sleep better at night.
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